What To Expect...

When I was pregnant with both Cody and Cordelia, I got a lot--a lot--of unsolicited pearls of wisdom from friends, family, passersby, strangers in the elevator. I have a few favorites:

Stranger: So you must be due, when, today? 
Me: Not for two more months, actually.
Stranger: You look like you're gonna POP! Girl, you should go sit down.
Me: Well, I can't, really. But thank you.

Stranger: Oh, wow, you're just huge! That your first?
Me: No, second.
Stranger: Oh! So, you're done then, right?

Many people: Get ready for your life to completely change...forever!
Me: Yes. Sure! Ready as I'll ever be.

It's this last that I think about most. Because there is no getting ready for it. You don't know how to do it until you're doing it. And you don't know how you're going to actually feel about doing it. And once you're doing it, you have no idea how you'll keep doing it, because you can't possibly do it for one more second, and then a second passes, and you find that it's done.

Before the fact, you can conceptualize--or should I say romanticize--what "your life is about to change!" means: I think I remember saying something naive and reassuring to JVL like, "We'll still do all the same exact stuff -- there will just be three of us!" You can imagine how tired you'll be by comparing it to an all-nighter you once pulled in college. You can suspect that the days of heading out to a movie, or dinner, or away for a weekend might take a little more work. Doing the easier among those things will take you 80 perent longer and leave you invariably frustrated. Attempting the harder ones--especially when it's all new--will be like planning the invasion of Normandy. At the end, you will not feel like the Allies. You will lie down on the beach and weep. And then pull your breast pump back out and plod on.

Which is why I couldn't help but screech when I read about the new CEO of Yahoo, who is six months pregnant, describing how she pictures her maternity leave:

As for maternity leave, Mayer, who recently joined the board of Walmart (WMT), expects it to be speedy. "I like to stay in the rhythm of things," she says, referring to the CEO job that she is starting tomorrow. "My maternity leave will be a few weeks long and I'll work throughout it."

I'm mean, because my first thought was: Does she have any friends, sisters, acquaintances who have ever had an actual baby? And then taken care of it during its infancy? To paraphrase Clint Eastwood, "Expect's got nothing to do with it." I mean, I realize I once thought I'd get a lot of reading done when I was on leave with Cody. I actually pictured myself nursing peacefully while reading the Shakespearean plays I never got to in college (cue uproarious laughter). I guess that's sort of like going back to being CEO of a major, failing company without missing a beat. Anyway, I laughed, because come on. "A few weeks" is just when the sleep-deprivation-induced hallucinations begin to set in!