Epic Fail

Confession: It turns out I'm not that great a mom. Not that this is a newsflash. But Monday, after an incredibly aggravating lunchtime where everyone bickered and no one listened and everything spilled and everyone whined, I muttered — audibly —"Sometimes you guys just suck."

I did. I actually did. The second it came out of my mouth, I wanted to cry, and hit myself. Because who SAYS that? I think it. A lot. Because sometimes, they really, really do suck. But one should not TELL THEM SO. We can all agree on that. Besides, I hate that word. It's vulgar, and lazy, and also perfect. But again: I can do better.

But I didn't. They were shocked. Cody said, hurt, "We do not SUCK! And we are NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT WORD!" I was so appalled and abashed. I apologized immediately, and told them I absolutely let my frustration with their behavior get the better of me, and that I absolutely SHOULD NOT have said it, and neither should they, ever. Cody told me I should go to confession for saying that, and I said he was absolutely right, and it would happen the next day. My frustration with them was nothing compared to my frustration with myself in that moment.

Naturally, 48 hours later we are wrapping up another deck lunch, and Cordelia, who has been pissy ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY, gets into it with Cody over something. He retaliates (mildly) and she says, "YOU SUCK!"

(I did not hear this part, since I was trying to put a screaming Emma into bed. She was mad at me, too, because I took her stuffies out of her bed. Because the other day, at the end of her "nap," I found this as I opened the door:

Caption: "Mommy! I took a BAD NAP! I was a bad sleeper. BUT! My stuffies are all sleeping! I put them all down for a nap!")

What I heard was Cody running upstairs saying, "Cordelia said I suck!" I moaned. I knew exactly where it came from. All evidence pointed back to me, to my short temper, to my impatience and fed-up-ness in that particular moment. Nothing to do but own it. So I told her in no uncertain terms that the word was off limits, and that I never should have said it and I had grounded myself for doing it (true story) and that it's unkind and uncharitable and that we need to strive never to be those things. She flared back self-righteously, "Well YOU SAID IT!!!" I wanted to hang my head in shame but I said, "I did, and I was wrong, and you are too — so goodnight." 

After her tantrum and nap, she came downstairs and put her arms around me. I said, "Let's talk about what happened." She curled up in my lap and said, "I got so angry." I said, "I totally get that. I get mad too. And it's okay to feel mad. What made you angry?" She replied, "Cody said I was DUMB." (There's deep irony — that's her go-to word, usually with Emma, to make someone feel bad — as in, "you dumb baby!") I said, "Why do you think he said that?" 

She responded, "Because — because I told him he sucked. And we are not allowed to say that word." Then she paused and looked balefully at me, and then reflected quietly, "That sucked. But … I don't suck. None of us sucks. But what I SAID sucked. My beHAVior sucked. I don't suck, though. I'm going to go apologize to Cody for saying he sucks and tell him that he DOESN'T suck, and that really it was my words that sucked."

I had both hands over my mouth at that point. It was a ray of hope that even when I'm getting almost every freaking thing wrong, maybe — just maybe — I'm getting a tiny bit right. 

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.