I Effing Love Him

I'm so behind on this blog I'm just plagued by guilt and shame. (So it's fitting that I just start with this.) I have tons of pictures, but almost no time to post or narrate. So I'm going to try to overcome my paralysis by telling you about what happened at school pickup today, because I think it might be one of my favorite Cody stories of all time.

(I will preface this by saying that last week, he informed me that two of the boys in his class said "the S word" — in his mind, "stupid" — and, worse, "the F word." As we know, he's familiar with that one as of last Thanksgiving. And it wasn't our fault. He repeated it the next day when we were out to lunch; the restaurant fell silent and he and I made our way to the ladies room, where I gently but firmly explained that even though a friend shared that new word, it was the worst of all bad words, and must not ever, ever be uttered. He was scared straight—and had no idea what he way saying.)

Pickup, especially on my work days, is a dark time of day. I try to get there a little after 3:00 p.m. Cordelia's been there since 8:30 and is exhausted. Emma comes in with Sarah, our sitter, at about 3:10. She's exhausted and gets all cathartic as soon as she sees me (I don't see them on the days I work since I'm out by 5:15 am). So it's all, "MAMA! MAMA!" with lots of half laughing, half crying. There are still 20 long minutes until Cody is released, during which the hall fills with parents and other small kids. It's the longest 20 minutes of the day. Emma, surrounded by everyone else's lunch boxes, shouts, "Snack! Snack!" over and over, frustrated that she can't have anyone else's food. When Cody is finally released, we try to navigate back out with the three of them, three jackets, three sweaters, a tote bag, three lunch boxes, and countless scraps of Very Important Paper from their classrooms. All of which are impossibly small and slippery, and wind up all over the halls and parking lot. Then it's out to get everyone locked and loaded in the carseats, and the endure a car ride with Emma screaming "Snack! Drink! All done car! Shoes! Off! Socks! Off! Toes! Off!" all the way home, over Cody and Cordelia fighting.

I just love it. Favorite time of day. Yep.

Anyway. Today was actually going pretty well. Cordelia and Emma were on the edge, but hanging in, when Cody emerged. He saw me, and I knew something was up. I hugged him tight, and he burst into tears, buried his face in my chest and said, "Mom! I said the F word! By accident! I just lost control for a second and said the F word!" My eyes were pretty wide, but I played it cool. I turned him around so his hysteria wasn't as noticeable to the other kids. With Cora and Emma clinging to me, I asked him how much trouble he had gotten into. He raised his gorgeous eyes and said, "I didn't get into any trouble. I didn't tell Ms. Bardaje what I said. I just said it to Carly, accidentally, and I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, and she told me not to tell anyone because it was THE MOST BAD WORD. I didn't tell Ms. Bardaje and she said not to tell you. But Mom, I told her I just had to tell you, because I can't lie to you and I don't want to keep secrets from you. I tried to let it go but it has just been on my mind and now I am telling you and I am SO ANGRY at myself and I DO NOT LIKE myself and I am so sorry I said that and I just needed to TELL YOU THE TRUTH about what I did, even though I did it so quietly, and I think you will probably think you should take my Bidi away from me, probably for one week, because you told me that day in the Blue Arbor Cafe that I could not ever say that word even if other people did, because it is a really bad word and not appropriate, and I DID SAY IT, and so I know I am in BIG TROUBLE!" And then he just cried. He was crushed, utterly. And I was nearly undone as well, but for totally different reasons.

I got them to the car, and got down and told him that I was so, so proud of him for telling me the truth. And that I understand more than he can imagine. That we all make mistakes and say things we shouldn't say. Sometimes we have no idea how they came out of our mouths, or why, and we regret them immediately, and are so mad at ourselves, and wish we could have a re-do. But that it's so much more important to be truthful than perfect. It's so much more important to move forward than to rehash things we can't change. And that there was no way in the world I would punish him, because he'd punished himself all afternoon. And that under NO circumstances would I take Bidi away from a kid who was working so hard to be good, and true, and noble.

Sometimes I just can't even believe I am so lucky that THIS is my kid.